Out of Control

Okay, I know I usually use this blog to write about the happy times in my life, but not tonight. I feel like I am a fairly optimistic person. I try to be happy all the time and make the most out of life. I love scout camp because I feel like I can be little girl most of the time. I get so excited about everything. Even stupid things, like cutting myself woodcarving, I like to go around showing everyone. I don't like to be sad. I don't like causing drama or asking for help, but the truth is I couldn't handle anything without my friends. There are very few people I trust with the details of my life. Not because they are bad people, only because I don't like burdening people with my problems and because I don't like to complain. But I'm not perfect. I am constantly asking for advice and I always go to the same people. I feel like I am constantly whining to them, but all I really want is comfort. It is definitely exhausting to put on a chipper front all day while having something eating you from the inside.

This summer has been so dramatic for me. As much as I love camp I long to be in Logan and I can't stop thinking about my life there. I've tried. As for life at camp...I feel like my life is out of control. I end up hurting people I care about because I handle a situation wrong. For example, at the beginning of camp I got frustrated with one of my best friends in Logan because he hadn't called like he promised. It was all so stupid, but now I wonder if he just thinks of me as needy or annoying. The optimistic side of me says it is all in the past, but I'm too scared to talk to him about it. Then I found out one guy at camp was lying to me about almost everything and supposedly he really liked me. So when he got, um, upset at one of our best staff members I let everything out. I realize now I did not hold the conversation well. I have no desire to be around him at all because I don't like being frustrated, but I still feel like I should have handled things better.

Now, as of last night, my best friend at camp has left. He went home for the rest of summer and it is because of me. All summer long he has tried to get things to happen between us. He came up just for me. And we've had a good time. I've learned the guitar. He gave me one of his. He's reading the scriptures and praying, but still nothing is going to work out. He finally realized everything after this last weekend and finally I just got frustrated with one stupid thing. I was suppose to clean our lighthouse at camp, as punishment for going inside when I knew I wasn't suppose to. Well, this guy, being a great guy, does it for me. You have to understand, this place is filthy with spiderwebs and bird poop all over the place. (BTW I hate spiders.) When I see him next, instead of being grateful, but I really am grateful. I didn't want to do it! It just triggered frustration. You see, he likes to be helpful and it is not like I don't appreciate help it is just I like to do my job. Maybe I am one of the few people who likes to be independent when it comes to work. I dunno. But he is constantly asking to do everything. I tell him I just want to do my job, but if I ever leave and come back either he is doing it or it is already done. I like experiences. I like being able to say, "I did this!" It makes me feel accomplished. Then I can go around, giddy as ever, and brag about some little thing. So, I basically thanked him for cleaning up my mess, but told him I wanted him to stop doing my job. I wanted to be independent. I didn't realize how harsh I was being, until later. Then I was going to apologize and the camp director told me he was gone. No goodbye, nothing. He just couldn't handle the situation anymore so he left. He's been threatening to do it for weeks, and somehow I've managed to get him to stay. I knew it was going to happen, but it all happened so fast!

So now I feel lost. Out of control. I don't want to complain, but I really really want to talk to my best friend in Logan about everything. I need his comfort, nothing else will be good enough. I want a lot of things right now and I am trying to be patient. I know I shouldn't worry, but the point is I do. I don't know if I can ever get over that. If I am confident about where my life is going then I can be patient, however, right now, I care too much about what this guy thinks of me. I just want him to understand me and I want to tell him that. Right now I am too worried about screwing my life up again. Usually I don't just sit back and wait, though. I like to take action. I like doing something about my problems.

Mostly this post was for me, hoping it will change something. More than likely it won't and I will lose my patience and do something stupid. Thanks for listening though. Whoever does read this.